fearlove

A fear runs though me that I might be just that …AFRAID.

Of what?
of hurt of love of hurt and loneliness, of betrayal, of losing face.

But I m currently lonely, hurt and feel betrayed. I am living out that fear.
And yet I am afraid of changing anything…

So I must like wallowing in it.
I must find it somehow comforting because the unknown is just that…unknown.
And this misery I know well..im secure in it.
Its here for me
Or so I thought

So once you’ve figured it out.
What to do about it

I am afraid of trying to succeed in case I fail and I am afraid of being stagnant although I am currently lying around being afraid of it.

What a calamity ive become

the potential

The expectation of great accomplishments must have been brought on my a belief that those accomplishments would either be a sign of a happy and fulfilled life or a sacrifice for the betterment of mankind...
this is assuming that sacrifice would be pleasing to the creator of mankind.

If it is the former and that happiness is the state that we should strive for then the act of sharing our accomplishments would be purely for entertainments sake, and not as a measuring tool for our own endeavors.

If this is the case then why do i feel like i have to create and then share my work to feel some validation in my life.Like I'm saying " look at me. I create ART! I don't just work a full time job a monkey could do and go home every night to go online or watch a movie or drink with my friends.
In addition to all that I also make ART!.
See now I am validated.
My style of dress, my mannerism and sheer lack of concern for consumerist betterment makes sense now."

I dont want to be a part of it.
Nor do I want to destroy it.
I am a product of my generation.

I am apathy.


......Or so i would like to believe.
I am a little less ROCK and ROLL then all that.

There lingers...and on occasion emerges a little curiosity about what existence is and whether or not I have a role to play in it.
But in all honesty it is more then a little curiosity it probably actually is something that consumes me daily and that I find a break from with distractions like friend,drinks,food,sex,movies,internet.

And Although I know that this is the definition of life for most of us.
And that maybe this is really it itself.
I wish I wasn't so self conscious of it or
could somehow escape the structure itself.

knowing you knowing me

When do you know?
Is is when you fist catch a glimpse into your future together without a shudder
Is it when you give up the guilt you feel of being picked up on a white horse….or black benz….
When do you know that his scent is the only one you’ll let get you wild.
And that his face is the one you’ll wake up to everyday.
That he is the man you’ve chosen.
The one man you want to care for when he is old and frail.
If it’s a look in the eyes then consider me lost for I have lost my identity in more then one mans gaze and I shouldn’t like to consider that the test.
I am without a plan…
Full of unresolved action
just sitting in my path waiting.
I wait for it all to make sense
Like if I wait then the truth
That ultimate truth will somehow slap me in the face…
And say here you go young lady.
Here is the man for you
It won’t be a bed of roses every night but you will be loved by him as much as you will love him

I want that passion…
That hurt when they are far,
That bliss when you see them near

I want it all…
Add in some humour
And a few bands we like
And consider that a match made in heaven…
Just give me some gut science to prove it all…
I want to feel it.

I want a full moon on a warm night and a look that says no more then hello.
I want the intimacy in silence..
The quite knowing
of kindness and tranquility
that fury of out of control sex and warm tea in bed
all wrapped up in a firm hand shake.

I want to hold it in the palm of my hand
and know that I’m safe to loosen my grip

I want us like water

bad boy love

You are wrong for me
I am afraid of men like you
You flatter me
You ignore me
You look at me with awe and passion
You look at me like I make no sense
You tell me about other girls

You tell me you don’t read
You tell me you’re dishonest
I laugh
I love to learn
I am nothing if not honest
but
Your smile is coy
And you look cute with your hair in your face
You make me laugh

You are too much but not enough
You are wrong for me
So I think about you
Way too much

we like the same bands

When I say hello…
There may be more I want to say but haven’t decided what.
There might be more to my asking how you are
Wonder if my desperation for the sound of your voice escapes mid sentence
If every time I think of you..you somehow feel it
and know that I happens every hour on the hour.
That I can’t listen to that band anymore
Not because I don’t like it or that I never listened to it anyways but
Because I don’t need anymore reasons to think about you

sometimes girls obsess

If now is when and this is it
And tomorrow is forever
Then today feels like eternity
Because you are not here
here where I sit and think of your
laugh
and warm embrace


You were in my bed this morning
And now you are not
And now im writing sad poetry wishing you were here
Here to hold my hand so I couldn’t write
Couldn’t write all this silliness
About missing you and wanting you
Because id be too busy
Too busy looking at your smile

And you would kiss me
Kiss me and make me
Make me
Make me forget
Forget that you forgot
forgot
To call.
You forgot to call
Photobucket